Years ago, a very smart author/friend of mine suggested I focus on marketing the legacy component of Soul Portrait, rather than the 'what if' aspect of aging and the possibility of being dependent on someone else for our care. "Obviously it could still be used for caregiving, but by putting the focus on legacy, it makes the whole thing more palatable", she wrote.
Like anyone who has written a book and dreamed of it catching on like wild fire, I thought about this for a long time. I knew nothing about marketing, and certainly, she knew what she was talking about. Was my friend right about the topics of aging and dependence not being palatable?
To a certain degree, she was; but that's because we're afraid of being physically or mentally incapacitated. Talking about those possibilities makes our skin crawl; in fact, just the thought of being helpless puts us in a state of denial. Because we never see ourselves in that position, we decide not to think about it. It doesn't matter that only a small percentage of us will ever land in a nursing home; we are still afraid of getting old and being dependent on someone else for our care.
I have a friend who can't even say her age (63) without feeling a sense of horror; if I accidentally make her one year older than she is, she quickly and vehemently corrects me. She's not alone; there are times I think about my aging and am amazed that I'm almost 65. Who? Me? 65? Can't be! And then, there are those who age with grace and accept their aging with an attitude that is enviable. It seems to be no big deal for them. When I'm around someone like the latter, I know I can do it, too. And because I'm a planner by nature, one way I accept aging is to plan ahead.
I believe that once we talk about our fears, we can put them into perspective and start approaching life with joy -- not only for ourselves, but for the sake of our families. Soul Portrait is a pleasant way to think about these things and start the dialogue with our kids or our parents. Not only that, depending on where the conversation goes, it can lead to self acceptance and soul-level connections. I don't know of a family that couldn't benefit from more acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness.
I always encourage family members to use Soul Portrait as a non-threatening introduction to 'the talk' with their aging parents. What happens to their parents later on will affect their own lives in ways they never imagined, and it's so much better for everyone if aging parent and adult child plan ahead together. How many of us who are now in our 60's have cared for our parents with no clue as to what they needed to thrive at the soul level?
After fighting my usual self-doubt, I had to honor my instincts and let go of the notion that my book would take off like gangbusters; marketing the truth was the only way I could proceed. And now that it's out for all to see, my doubt has vanished. I wrote Soul Portrait to help people deal with the fear of growing old and possibly being dependent upon someone else. The way to do that is to make aging personal. What follows is the e-mail response I sent to my friend.
I initially reacted to your use of the word, 'palatable', which would suggest that my current approach is distasteful. If it is distasteful, it's because we all want to avoid talking about it. We are frightened of aging and being dependent; however, to dilute my message would be to mask the truth. The purpose of 'Soul Portrait' is to give people something to think about and to honor those who cannot speak for themselves.
My target audience is family, institutional staff, medical personnel, and baby boomers. We can initiate discussion with our parents; we can think about our own futures; we can care for our elders in a more personal way; and we can change the way we and others think about aging. Our society is in need of a paradigm shift and my approach is just one small contribution to changing the current culture of elder care.
I feel compelled to talk to people about the unspoken, painful issues. We have buried our heads in the sand for too long; and it's affecting the way we care for our elders, why elders are undervalued rather than cherished, and why they would rather die than go into a nursing home. Our fears affect our families and those around us; we pass on the message that aging is bad. Our society has taken a wrong turn by relegating our elders to second-class status, and thus, making them feel unworthy of our attention and respect.
Soul Portrait provides us with a way to leave a legacy to those we love, yes, but it is so much more. It's about the future and life review and memories and personal everyday issues that impact how we feel at the soul level. Families don't typically plan ahead for personalized health care. Instead, we spend years on genealogies; we prepare our wills and Advance Health Care Directives for when we are dead or on our way out; we even pick out our urns, grave stones, and sites for burial. We've saved up as much money as we can to assure our continued standard of living through retirement, and maybe we're paying huge amounts of money for long term care insurance. There is a part of us that knows we could be dependent some day; but that's where our preparation hits a wall. Soul Portrait is one more facet of retirement planning, because it takes us one more step towards making aging and health care personal.
As one 80-year old friend tells me, "Old age has a way of creeping up on you." When it arrives, we don't always know what to think about it; and in most cases, by the time a crisis hit -- if it hits -- we lose our ability to make choices about our care. Soul Portrait is a comforting wake up call for all of us.
(c) SallyZMcBain