The following quote comes from an AARP web article entitled, "8 Rules for New Caregivers": Start with a candid conversation. Talk with your parents about how you will be helping them to meet their needs. Unless they are severely incapacitated, they should continue to make their own decisions and remain a central part of all discussions about their care. Encourage them to articulate their concerns: Most likely, your parents are worried about becoming a burden and losing control of their lives. Have an open conversation about what role your parents want you to play. Establish limits so they don't form unrealistic expectations.
In some cases, this approach may work; yet there are potential challenges. First of all, if you are a new caregiver and are just now having this conversation with your parents, it's more than likely too late to have honest, comfortable dialogue. It is not the desired way to make a parent feel as though she is an equal partner in future planning. By the time your role as caregiver has begun, there are frightening and pressing issues to address, many of which close in on a parent's comfort zone. It can make a parent feel like she already has become a problem, which can create an atmosphere of defensiveness, denial, and fear.
Second, how do adult children know when the timing is right? By the time a parent is 'severely incapacitated', guilt and worry are already playing havoc with family dynamics. On the other hand, if the parent is still active and mentally sharp, he or she might feel insulted and threatened by an out-of-the-blue 'candid' conversation. I personally know wealthy parents who would be suspicious, assuming the kids are thinking ahead to their inheritance instead of their parents' well-being.
Third, many of us no longer have living parents. We ARE the aging parents (even though many of us are only in our 60's), and I'm guessing that most of our young-to-middle-aged kids are not thinking about being stuck in the role of caregiver anytime soon. They have plenty of other things on their minds, and may not be ready to think about how our aging will impact them.
The timing for discussion about an aging parent's future is sensitive, no matter who brings it up. This is one of the reasons I wrote Soul Portrait. It is not dependent upon having a family discussion. It will be there when and if a family is able and willing to make the time to talk; but if they cannot do so, Soul Portrait can provide the basis for planning when the time comes.
Those of us who have formally entered the world of aging are acutely aware of our mortality and the increasing odds that the older we get, the more likely we will be dependent on someone for the care we receive. We witnessed and experienced a lot of pain with the aging and demise of our own parents, and want it to be different for us and our children. That knowledge and experience make us the logical and more informed initiators of conversations about a future in which our children have an interest. When we do that depends on our feelings about aging, their receptivity, and our relationship with them.
We have the opportunity to make our kids equal partners in pro-active planning, rather than to become the subject of a 'candid' conversation prompted by them after something happens. There may come a time we have no choices left, and if our kids know us better, and have expressed their own concerns and limitations, we'll all benefit. Doing this before something happens feels much better than suggesting that adult children "Establish limits" so their parents don't "form unrealistic expectations". I can just visualize sitting in a chair while my kids run down a list of limits they have set. It not only separates me from them, it would feel demeaning; but that is exactly what can happen when adult child and parent stay on different sides of the topic, each steadfastly holding on to their appointed roles rather than discussing the issues together as equals when they have the chance.
Aging is a family matter and by talking now, we can avoid much of the guilt, anger, helplessness, and regret that we may feel later (I liken this process to putting on our life jackets before the boat leaves the dock, not after a storm kicks up and leaves us thrashing around trying to find them under a seat).
When it comes to families, relationships are all over the map. Ways of communicating are just as varied. I know several families that suffer from estrangement and anger. This has happened in my own family, and it casts a dark cloud over all our lives. My friend, Lynn, tells the story of her daughter who hasn't spoken to her in years, yet Lynn does not know why. She has done her Soul Portrait for her daughter to read after her (Lynn's) death. Therein, she tells her daughter more about herself, and how sorry she is for whatever she did to keep her daughter at such a painful distance. She likes to draw, so she has several small pictures beside her notes. As for Lynn's possible dependency someday, Soul Portrait will be there for a caring advocate.
Many people my age do not have children, in which case, I encourage them to think along the same vein with someone close to them, preferably someone younger whom they trust and love.
For those of us who have lived a very private life and do not wish to talk about who we are at the soul-level, Soul Portrait is still a valuable communication tool for a time when things might change. And if it's too late for planning together, it will be a valued legacy to leave behind. For those of us who are talkers and more open, Soul Portrait can be the entree to a discussion about, not only who we are, but what we need in order to thrive.
Over and over again, I have seen families twist and turn over the choices their aging parents made. Over and over again, a determined elder will choose to stay at home until he dies, making it unbearable for the adult children who are frightened he'll fall down the stairs or slip in the tub and lie there until someone sees the mail hasn't been collected. With no prior communication to guide them, the kids blindly traverse elder-care territory searching for help and being exhausted from worry, lack of sleep, urgent flights across the country, and frantic phone calls. Those of us who have been-there-done-that do not wish to put our children through the same thing.
Beginning the dialogue early about where we see ourselves in the next few years is what our kids deserve. Even if we just suggest that we want to talk someday, they'll know the door is open in case they end up being the initiators. The worst thing we as aging parents can do is shut them out or be insulted if they think we are 'old'. We may not feel old, but by the time we reach 60 (and some would say mid-50's), we are considered by gerontologists to be in the 'young-old' category. It's the perfect time to be thinking about how our aging and possible dependency will affect our family. Once that's done, we can go back to jumping out of airplanes, traveling around the world, or writing the great American novel.
Aging should be a special phase of life, one filled with joy, creativity, and new adventures. Soul Portrait was written with the intention of savoring who we are and sharing our discoveries with those we love.
